if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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