I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
