apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
