hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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