someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
