I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
