His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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