We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
