i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
