dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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