Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
