Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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