Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
