There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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