i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
