swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
