you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
