The maid of honor just puked.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
