I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
