I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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