He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so let's talk penis.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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