hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
