I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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