did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
True college students do jello shots in the library
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
