I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
