i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I supernannyed him into submission
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
