It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Randomize
