im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
