Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
