So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
