You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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