Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
BRING THE BAGELS
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
