I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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