Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
