Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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