I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
