3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
