So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
