god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
