its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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