Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
