well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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