I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
