Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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