everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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