They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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