I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
