my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
