I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
