Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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