M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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