just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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