i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
When are your genitals available?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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