He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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